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It was a little disconcerting, really. She was washing the watches while watching wood weep. Weep it would whereupon one would woo. Would it be so wrong to wryly sing along? My head is rolling off my neck along the wall and all…
Here in between gasps:
My family, as I call them, rushes to provide answers, to sprawl truths before me like cards, turning them over one by one. I release the queen of hearts, worried my grip may have torn the edges. The best cards mark my future, an immediate future that calls to mind another place and time in which I was freely and savagely myself. Pretend this is what’s necessary, pretend I truly do adore the emancipation, the breath and space. I play all night long, hugging old friends tightly. Flirting with girls, small kisses, the wondering at what. At the end of the night, I fall asleep bathed in tears and moonlight, infinitely alone. The realization that I have wrung you out, the understanding that I am irrevocably damaged.
Persist to change.
But this: two crazy beings sliding into each other, complete and whole, more than the sum of their parts.
This: your eyes, luminous, an inch from my own, my hand grazing the side of your face.
And this: the brilliant tingle of your laughter, the warmth and the shudder.
That.
i love you i love you i love you
that’s all i want to say
until i find a way
i will say the only words i know that you’ll understand
Once upon a time upon a time upon a time oh twice upon that time, lost, hopeless, delirious, confused???
Until the very end, my friend, until the very end. Must we bend our ears to hear the softest of sounds? So what if this monkey is frustrated and fatigued? Bite the chair, if you dare do you do you do you dare? Hurting burning mass destruction, turning yearning for affection. Cry me a river! You hold it between your tiny teeth. Glisten and shine.
It was so easy. Work harder. Motion!
Lurch-
For happy afternoons spent rolling giggling leaves children.
In your best interest to unravel the past & walk away:
(but you
can’t.
and you
won’t.)
Won’t walk away? Why wait, wondering? Where would one walk to?
I have no answers, only fistfuls of time,
and unruly responses.
How I snap, growling, howling, sobbing tearing tear-streaked rage-
how it comes back, how it returns seeps in secret and understands.
Begotten not forgotten,
one in being what it would
when it could be how it should.
How it should,
in another space be less fear-fraught.
I am a mess.
I am sublime.
Havoc comes and goes with time.
With peace it creeps,
and gentler,
be all the joy you wish to know.
(the unknowing, the abyss, the fear of falling and the return to laughter. baseline. come down now here is 1, 2, 3 seconds back to bliss.)
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