the social value of “defriendship”
Yesterday, I was ‘defriended’ on Facebook by someone who was once a close friend. This isn’t the first time it’s happened - another ex-friend eliminated me from his virtual network last year, but I was but one small proportion of a mass ‘friend-slaying’ - and I’ve most certainly been defriended by a handful of weak ties and acquaintances - but its the first time I’ve really had a previously close connection visually severed as a result of instigating a virtual confrontation. My angry (and rather public) comment was certainly not unwarranted, as this person has long avoided apologizing for deliberately abandoning me when I most needed friendship, but perhaps a little overdue - the only time I had really confronted her about it was nearly nine months ago, after all.
When I realized that she had not just simply deleted my comment, but defriended me in the process, it felt like a punch to the gut that left me in breathless pain for several hours. Now that the smarting pain has subsided, I’ve started thinking that perhaps defriending is actually quite a practical method, and not necessarily just a passive-aggressive move. It’s amazing how much mental space can get taken up obsessing over past injustices, especially once regular face-to-face contact is lost. Certainly this trend becomes particularly prominent post-college. Facebook and related social media can trigger old pathways we’d normally avoid following, delivering a constant stream of “news” and information about those we’d rather be forgetting.
I love the idea of shaking off old grudges and people who evoke negative energy by simply defriending them, but it conflicts with my belief in forgiveness and my sincere desire not to hurt anyone the way my old friend hurt me yesterday. I’d quit the damn book of faces, but I’m pretty deeply invested in it at this point - it’s how I keep in touch with a huge number of friends, stay informed about upcoming parties and events, share my own stories and things I come across on the ‘net that I know a particular person would enjoy, track down a phone number or address when I need it - and, oh yeah, it’s also a major source of my research.
At the very least, I now understand why the ‘friend-slayer’ I mentioned above did what he did. It must be so very refreshing not to be continually reminded of people who make you feel like shit. And now that I’ve written this post, I’ve come to a sense of closure on the matter, myself, and can look forward to totally getting past someone who never deserved as much mental space as I allotted her.
Maybe I’ll turn giving up social media into a little social experiment. I could probably write a book about that experience!
Or maybe I should just choose my friends more wisely…
This post has been much inspired by fellow Facebook researcher and friend, Jeff Ginger, who wrote an insightful post on the issue: Facebook Friends, False Connection, and Social Norms. Thanks for the chat!
Tags: defriending, facebook, friendship, online sociality, remembrance
March 11th, 2009 at 1:31 am
One of the things that became apparent as I did interviews of undergraduate students was that there isn’t a strict set of social norms for Facebook. There seems to be a lot of variance in how seriously people take it, and the quality and quantity of information they acquire from it - social, formal, whatever. Besides wondering if there’s a way to better mitigate norms on social systems like this I also speculate what it’s doing to society in general. Is all this internet stuff and immersed digital culture changing how much we care about one another and making it easier to be less confrontational and honest? People who wear iPods everywhere, kids who hang out on Friday nights chatting on AIM instead of in person, the thrill of asking someone out on a date is burned away when you can just look them up on Facebook.
I wonder what this sort of relationship would have looked like if Facebook weren’t involved. You’d perhaps just lose contact with the person and never see them again?
I think I’d go back to what I mentioned to you before - next time you’re annoyed by someone being disrespectful or annoying or whatever, go do something nice for someone who makes your life wonderful. Don’t tell them why, and don’t expect reciprocation, just know that it’s a much more powerful way of fighting back.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I befriended an ex only to defriend her not long afterwards. There are some people I don’t want popping up in my news feed. Funny thing is that ’cause she is friends of some of my old friends she still pops up in my feed. It’s not just your friends you have to worry about but their friends too..
September 6th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I’m in my 20s and recently defriended 150 people. But I have defriended people in the past who I do not trust - regardless of whether I still see them.
The defriending of the 150 people was for privacy reasons. I use facebook a lot and there were some people on there who I never saw, had no connection to and in some cases it was a pain in the ass to see certain people’s constant ramblings.
I don’t see it as a popularity contest, it’s just facebook ya know?
September 17th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I love your writing and research. It has been invaluable in my own thesis on Facebook and surveillance.
The whole defriending thing is sooooo interesting.